If I am ever abducted by aliens:



I will not sell my story to the tabloids.
I will not become a 'guru'.
I will not babble about little green men.


Hmm.

How about 'If I ever become a County Singer'...

I will not sing about my divorce, cheating husband, dying dog, or trailer park...

Sid

Em, you have just been added to the coveted list of People Who Have Made Me Spit Coke On My Monitor. (You'd think I'd know better than to drink while reading this, but still...)

Hm... If I ever become a zombie or ghoul:
1.) I will not lurch around after people in search of brains or body parts to eat. Instead, I will get a job in a mortuary or funeral home, where I can feed myself more discretely.
2.) I will not claw at my food with my bare hands; that's what silverware is for.
3.) I will undergo a full embalming, and move to a hot, dry climate. Nothing is more disgusting than watching yourself rot. Likewise, I will spray myself with air freshener as part of my daily ablutions.
4.) I will not live in a graveyard. There are plenty of perfectly good houses within walking distance of such places.
5.) I will keep a supply of salt and hot peppers on me at all times, especially during business meetings and any other occasions that might tempt me to revert to mindlessness.
6.) I will stay far way from any honfour, necromancer, etc. who may wish to control me for use as an undead servant. There's no such thing as a trustworthy sorcerer.

Cat

This is fun. I wish I had more time this morning to write something. Maybe I'll get back later.
Sid, I'm glad there is an idea in something I said. Wow!

Ghost:
I will not hang around the area where I died. Why should I depress myself like that? I'm going to Vegas!

Em

Thanks, Cat. :) I keep getting good ideas for the book I'm going to write for the 3-day novel contest.

Sid

Ghost:
I will refrain from walking through walls in public, unless the people around me are all very drunk, in which case it might be fun to watch them try to duplicate the feat.
I will not possess my old automobile, no matter how stylish the vintage.
If I am on a mission of revenge, I will not perform parlor tricks in an attempt to scare my victim to death. Instead, I will save my efforts for an appearance at that one critical moment (walking near the edge of a cliff, speeding on an interstate) where it will do the most good.

Werewolf:
I will not brutally murder my friends and loved ones. Their ghosts will hang around and say snide things to me, and that gets old pretty quickly.

By all means, Sid. Anything here is public domain; you know that.

Cat

If I ever become a ghost:

I will refrain from haunting relatives unless they deserve it.
I will, on the other hand, enjoy frightening small children
I will not appear to any exorcists/paranormal investigators
I will not wear chains or change my name to Marley
I will not possess any mediums to say goodbye to my lost love
I will not leak ectoplasm


Actually, Em, that would be a great story. :-) You've given me an idea.

****8.) I will not rely on candles when summoning supernatural beings which may appear in a rush of wind. Electric light works just as well and does not constitute a fire hazard. Nor does it go out at the least little puff of wind. I will also eschew incense; plug-in air fresheners will do fine. ***

Ohhh, this too!! Can I use it, Cat? huh? Pllllease??

Sid

If i ever become a leprechaun:
I will trade in my pot of gold for an off-shore bank account
I will expand my wardrobe to include colors other than green
That's all i could come up with.

I live in a moble home park that is full of retirees, they know everything that goes on in the park. A monster wouldn't have a chance here. lol
Em

Hmmm...

If I ever become "the leprechaun":

I will carry sneezing powder with me at all times (or do I have this confused with another movie?).

If I ever become a witch (Hallowe'en variety, not a Wiccan):
1.) I shall get those unsightly warts removed through the miracle of plastic surgery.
2.) I will get rid of my cauldron and upgrade to a stainless steel cookpot in my ktchen.
3.) I will take public speaking courses to get rid of that annoying cackle.
4.) I will refuse to keep company with gypsies, native americans, and anyone else who might try to stick a nail through my footprint.
5.) I will limit my broomstick use to cloudy, foggy evenings when no one is likely to see me.
6.) My familiar will assume the form of something sweet and innocent: a miniature poodle, beagle, or hamster.
7.) I will make a careful inventory of the things available at my local Whole Foods store, so that I need not hang around occult shops (let alone end up scrounging in the woods at night - brr!) to get that special ingredient.
8.) I will not rely on candles when summoning supernatural beings which may appear in a rush of wind. Electric light works just as well and does not constitute a fire hazard. Nor does it go out at the least little puff of wind. I will also eschew incense; plug-in air fresheners will do fine.
9.) Likewise, rather than a ten pound grimoire for my spells, I will carefully compile all my notes into a Word document, which I can then copy onto my palm pilot.
10.) Any pentagrams, altars, sacrificial livestock, bloody knives, unwilling victims, etc. will be kept in my basement, attic, or other out-of-the-way place, which will then be locked with a stout padlock.
11.) Should an angry lynch mob appear on my doorstep in spite of these precautions, I will not threaten to lay a horrible curse on them, nor will I zoom away into the night on my broomstick. I will call the police, and shoot anyone who steps onto my property.
12.) If someone really deserves to be cursed, and I simply cannot resist, I will not call down a horrible fate of obvious supernatural origins. That means no wasting away, no unknown new diseases, no instantly withered limbs. I will limit my curses to those which cause automobile accidents, plane crashes, violent muggings, and IRS audits.

What's next? If I ever become a ghost?

Cat